how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
