i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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