Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
