happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
