Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
