So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
