I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
