Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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