Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
