The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
