i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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