Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
