Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
