Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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