I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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