You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
