why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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