God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
