fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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