the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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