so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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