Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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