You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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