the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
