Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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