wrigley field is MILF paradise
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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