Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
