I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
