my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
