So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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