i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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