She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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