Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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