It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
