Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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