I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
