So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
