you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
