Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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