my soul wont recognize me after tonight
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
