just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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