haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
