life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
