who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
