i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
