I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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