Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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