Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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