My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
