Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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