Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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