I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
