i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
