her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
