You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
